Love Abundantly Ministries

Let’s just say, the first day of clinic felt like jumping into the deep end… without floaties. I thought I’d dive in like a pro—maybe even pull off a gold-medal-worthy performance like I was on the US Olympic dive team. Instead? Picture a slightly panicked person on the high dive afraid to jump thinking she would forget how to swim.

You might wonder why I was so nervous? I had just seen a miracle in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I’d been to Papua New Guinea before. I had experience. I’d walked village paths, knew the rhythm of the communities, prayed with families, and loved this nation deeply. I wasn’t new to missions. I wasn’t new to medicine. But, something within me wasn’t settled. I was carrying unexpected fear.

YWAM Kona was in a pioneering season with the Medical Ship. That meant that the primary job for medical professionals were to participate in a Primary Healthcare Clinic *Cue internal screaming.* I hadn’t stepped outside the women’s health world in years, so stepping into general medicine again had me sweatin’— not just from the humidity. I was nervous about my physical assessment skills, management plan, and just over all afraid I would miss something. I was afraid I wouldn’t be good enough.

I knew this meant I would need a lot of prayer, a lot of covering, and a whole lot of flexibility. And while new things are truly exciting… this deep seated fear wrecked me. My last experience in PNG I stayed in my lane. I realized pretty quickly in these first day jitters: this trip was going to stretch me more than I expected.

Honestly, jumping into the deep end, I remembered how to swim. I didn’t belly flop! Praise the Lord. It was more graceful than expected. Barely a splash! It was a pretty easy first day. Nothing wild came through the clinic, and nothing felt overwhelming medically. General medicine was like an open tab on my mental filing system- easily accessed.

There was even this incredible moment that felt like a quiet gift directly from God—a woman came in with increased fatigue, irregular menses, and intermittent nausea in the morning. After a thorough review of systems and collection of subjective and objective data, I got to tell her she was pregnant! I had heard God say, “10 weeks” while chatting with her for estimated dating. Y’all. I got to do a confirmation ultrasound- 10 weeks based off the estimated CRL! I had a patient fully in my lane, something only God could orchestrate in the middle of all my nerves. Isn’t it just like God to be so gracious—meeting me in all the fear and anxiety with calm and peace? While my mind was swirling with “what ifs” and lacks, He was quietly reminding me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. God gave me the perfect patients that day! I assessed many babies (as you will see in the pictures at the bottom), first time moms, fungal skin infections, anemia, ear infections- all things I knew how to treat! Sometimes the biggest battles are the ones inside us, and God’s grace shows up there first. Once I stopped gripping so tightly to what I thought I should know, I started to see what He was doing right in front of me.

Those first day nerves nearly took me out. But slowly, as that first day went by, I found my footing. I became confident—not just in my Practitioner skills, but in trusting the process and trusting God’s timing. Trusting that He still spoke in the discomfort. The nerves didn’t disappear overnight, but they gave way to a quiet assurance that I was exactly where I needed to be, doing exactly what I was meant to do, seeing the patients I needed to see.

I write about this because I really want keep missions candid with you all. It’s easy for me to paint the picture of missions as this glowing joy bubble—full of perfect moments, instant breakthroughs, miracles, and nonstop inspiration. But the reality? Sometimes God has you walk through the deepest aches that no one can capture on a camera. Yes, mission trips are incredible— life-changing, even. But the truth is, they’re not incredible because of the travel, the photos, or even the good work you get to be part of. They’re incredible because of the life-changing moments of Christ. God has transformed me in each assignment. Witnessing God transform the mind, body, spirit, and soul of others at the same time makes it life changing.

For me, this first day was about understanding the nature and character of Christ. I was able to recognizing false identities I was still attached to. Not being good enough? A lie straight from the enemy. That thought didn’t align with the nature and character of God. Why would that be something He would want me to believe to be true about myself? In that fear, I thought I would hide my emotions well- but the joke is on me. Some of the pictures on this first day, you can see my nerves through the lens. I thought I had to hide my emotions to perform effectively. Yet again, something else that didn’t align with who God is. The truth was that once I confessed my fear to the Lord, He showed up- cue the clinical gift. I didn’t have to hide my emotions from God! I truly had to lean on the Lord. I didn’t know my fellow medical professionals well enough to express my battle. I needed Him. I needed to share my true self with God to make space for caring for others. I had to tune in. The stretching. The surrender. The lessons. The moments where my weakness met His strength. Transformation happened.

I learned I can’t hide my emotions from God and walk in truth at the same time. I had to come to God with full transparent vulnerability and accept that my nervousness was good. I had never been in this place, doing this exact thing before. My brain was using the discomfort to solidify deep wounds within me. I felt as if I was not going to be good enough. I wasn’t going to be a good enough nurse to switch to general medicine after years away from it. Lies. The truth is I was more than capable. Why did I feel this way? There was a deeper wound that He wanted to heal. (I won’t get into that today). I am thankful for this moment. He didn’t call me to PNG because I was fully equipped; He was equipping me in the assignment. He was teaching me about myself. He was healing me. He was teaching me new medical terminology. He was meeting others at the same time. He was doing things only He could do in real time! How cool is that??

In this life of surrender through missions, I am truly learning that God doesn’t lead us where we feel the most confident. He simply leads us where we’ll need Him the most. And that’s the beauty of doing new things with God—it requires dependence, surrender, and a heart tuned to Him. I didn’t go to PNG to be the hero of the clinic—I went to be a vessel. I am still a vessel back in North Carolina or in the middle of the ocean. Whatever it looks like (yes, my expressions are a work in progress), I am in it 100%. Once I embraced being an imperfect vessel, I saw Him move in ways I would’ve missed by walking in my fears. I didn’t have to walk in perfection to be used. I didn’t have to hide that I didn’t know things. I didn’t have to hide being nervous. I learned what walking in your true identity means! Those first day jitters were transformative for me. Turns out, when God’s the lifeguard, you don’t need floaties after all!